I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
