Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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