I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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