happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Randomize
