Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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