He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
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