I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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