My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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