how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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