Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
