The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
