But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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