I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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