don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
