you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
