I like my sex mixed with concussions.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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