wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
