I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize