I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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