were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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