Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
