I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
