i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
