just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
