my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
