my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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