My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
