you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
