my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
We just shotgunned beers for America
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Randomize
