I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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