Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
