Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
