he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
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