so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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