ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
