Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
