trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
