I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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