Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
