Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
