I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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