i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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