I think I am morally bankrupt
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize