he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
