I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
