woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
