The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
