I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Drake has all the answers
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
