It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
