I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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