It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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