I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
