I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Randomize
