girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
