Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
