my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
