Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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