Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
